Bokolis watched a little bit of NFL this year. It's not because I'm suddenly falling in love with this game. It's on three nights per week and happens to be on at the gym. Frankly, there is nothing like having live sports on the monitor- they don't have much of a selection in channels; I'll take whatever I can get- to help while away the time on the treadmill. As long as Tirico and Gruden aren't working the game, I'll even plug in the headphones.
I should probably confess that I've even ducked into a bar or two to watch the whole slate of games. I will only do this for the later games, as I don't like to spread my attention too thin. It's not really for the football. Now that Bokolis is in about the same shape I was in when I was 20- not as jacked, but surely more fit- and now that they make boneless chicken bites with that hot sauce, I can afford an occasional 1500-calorie session, including the beer...I do it for the sauce.
Of course, even if I do need to stay in touch with how they think, sitting among common mongoloids that do this every week still requires holding my nose. If I have to suffer a cackling GSF*, I have to hold my ears as well.
That is to say nothing of the ever-expanding NFL rule book, the modern communist manifesto. It also says nothing about the game having turned into arena football, thwarted only when the elements become factors. When I have little kids questioning why they even call this game football when they never kick the ball, it is all the confirmation bias I need.
While I call it "rugby for fairies," the best suggestion for a name change may have come from my off-the-boat uncle, who, incidentally, loves the run-n-gun version and thinks rushing the ball is an utter waste of everybody's time. Going a step further than merely questioning calling it football, he says they should officially change the name of the game to Touchdown! because, hey, look how happy everybody gets when a touchdown is scored. While I don't agree with his assertion that changing the name is a matter of course, it is in keeping with the dumbing down of everything around here. Hey, Johnny, let's go play touchdown! Yeeeeaah!
Was Bokolis supposed to talk about which teams impressed and such? Yeah, umm, P. Manning broke records. E. Manning broke interceptions records...actually, Bokolis knew from watching 3 minutes of pre-season, when Eli's body language indicated that he'd never even seen a pigskin or heard of the NFL. Apparently, his old lady gave birth during the offseason and Eli didn't keep his pimp hand strong. The kid from Eagles tore it up; Vick getting hurt was the best thing that happened to that coach and his offense. Kaepernick came down from the moon, but he and his team remain formidable. Seattle is the new Denver, in terms of being a town of dicks. Pete Carroll, never one to err on the side of caution when it comes to obeying the rules, has his boys on the shit on the level of this year's Red Sox.
So, now it's the playoffs. Bokolis didn't do so well last year. I've had good years and bad years. If they were all good years, I wouldn't be sharing. I'll put these out there from now, so that I can spend my weekend tending to more important matters. These are the lines I got. Don't blame me if you've got to lay 3.
COLTS (-2.5) over Chiefs - Didn't the Colts run train on the Chiefs in the regular season? When the Chiefs made the playoffs a couple of years ago, I went against them because they hadn't beaten anyone worth beating. I believe the same holds this year.
EAGLES (-2.5) over Saints - I want to tell you that the Saints outside>>fish-out-of-water analogy may be a bit overblown, but their performances indicate that they will play well enough to lose. You have to worry that this is the Eagles' QB's first playoff game. But, they've also won 7 of 8, and that loss was a throwaway. I think the Eagles are undervalued here.
Chargers (+7.0) over BENGALS - On paper, this has Bengals written all over it, especially with a road win over the Chargers and a 8-0 home record. The Chargers path to the playoffs isn't doing much to refute that. But, I'm not laying a TD with that QB, as he throws too many INTs, even before last week. I'll take my chances that Rivers will keep this close.
49ers (-3.0) over PACKERS - I forgot the term FOX will use to call the Sunday late game...something about America's headliner or some shit. Well, it's going to be cold in Green Bay on Sunday evening...cold even for Green Bay. Maybe they can call it America's popsicle dick.
I want to pick the Packers. It'd be such a cool story, with Rodgers coming back and throwing that late touchdown on 4th down that was so reminiscent of Favre to Sharpe, which I don't think anyone pointed out. The Packers could be this year's darkhorse, the fourth year running. But, they played this game last year, didn't they? They played this game early in the season, didn't they? The 49ers can be beat, other things given, when your defense can punch with their defense. I don't think the Packers defense can do that. Even with Rodgers back and Eddie The Hammer, I don't think they'll have enough. Besides, I've already anointed the Eagles as the darkhorse.