Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Would you hire this man? Well, you did...TWICE.

He leaves as largely the same idiot he arrived, relieved to be back in Texas and seemingly oblivious to having run the nation into the ground. I took some measure of satisfaction from seeing Cheney leave in a wheelchair. Fitting and of not much consequence, if you ask me, as he would have had no one to whom he could wave. The only people loyal to Cheney operate in back rooms and cannot be exposed to daylight.

Most of this was e-mailed to me about half a year ago. I was saving it for today. I didn't edit for grammar. Though I didn't inject any Bushisms, any mistakes can be attributed to the spirit of Dubya. I added the most of the stuff about his failed oil dealings and sweetheart deals and pulled the last three bits from his "accomplishments" as President from here. I knew he was a soulless idiot 100 months ago, and I sure didn't "misunderestimate" him.

I will be available in January 2009, am willing to relocate.



1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20520


Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been 'lost' and is not available.

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

I was a "cheerleader." I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was still accepted to grad school.


I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock, but I was bailed out and made chairman of another company.

When this company also failed, I was given a seat on the board at Harken Energy and about $500k in stock because of my perceived politiocal connections.

While serving as a director at Harken Energy, I sold stock in the company the day before the company announced $56 million losses. I was cleared of wrongdoing by SEC chairman Richard Breeden, a friend of the family who was nominated by my father.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. I paid for some debt using the profits gained from the abovementioned sale of Harken stock. I then sold the Texas Rangers in a sweetheart deal, netting almost $14 million profit from a $600k investment.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected Governor of Texas .


I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set t he record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.


I am the first President in U.S. History to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. History.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. Stock market. To be fair, in terms of largest percentage drop (just under 25%), I am second to Hoover.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. History. My 'poorest millionaire,' Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. History and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. History.

I changed the U.S. Policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. History.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. History.

I am the first President in U.S. History to have the United Nations remove the U.S. From the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U. S. From the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. 'prisoners of war' detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear 'Tactical Bunker Buster,' a WMD.

I have failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

Unemployment is pressing remorselessly higher.

Industrial production is contracting at the wickedest rate in 35 years, the retail business is in the dumps almost across the board.

I leave office with the nation mired in the worst recession since the Great Depression; its end is by no means in sight.


All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Rugby for fairies, conference championships

The Steelers rounded out the last four by doing what I expect of a home team during the playoffs. They set their mark. The had a large stretch where they just pounded the shit out of the Chargers. In Bokolis' mind, the Steelers are the clear favorites to win the Bowl.

On that note, last week's split (I did split, right?) leaves me at 4-4 for the post-season. Again, we'd only be into the book for the vigs. Onward!

CARDINALS (+4) over Eagles - The Eagles trounced the Cardinals in far different circumstances. Seemingly, both of them have an easier game this week. Kurt Warner has won both his NFC championships- both at home- while McNabb and Reid are 1 - 3, one of which was to Warner.

I think the Eagles will run out of steam in the desert. Sure, they defeated the Giants without getting anything from a banged-up Westbrook. But, their defense will have a lot more to do in this game. Brian Dawkins, tough as they come, didn't look so tough trying to tackle Brandon Jacobs. I don't think he'll be effective against Boldin...if he can even get close enough to hit him. They won't have the luxury of the elements making for an inept QB. They won't have the luxury of knowing that the opposing QB can't beat them. If Warner gets the chances Eli had early in that game he will take those chances. If the Giants could get open, the Cardinals, who know how to take the game to the defense, surely will. Getting 4 points is gravy.

STEELERS (-6) over Ravens - It's uncomfortable to lay six against the Ravens, especially after winning twice with them. They don't give up much more that six. But, as with the Eagles, this is a case where the Ravens will run out of steam. While they hit the Titans hard, they didn't exactly dominate. They were on the right side of the key plays and key calls. The puncher can't win every fight, especially when up against another bruiser at less than full strength. The Steelers have the big-play capability that the Dolphins and Titans did not, so I see them making the big plays here, with the Ravens fading in the second half.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Thank God I'm a Man

They left out the part about nuttin' on her blouse, instead of inside. We do think about that.

Thank God You're Still a Man

Here's another one. Genius that I am, I thought the urinal was a Blackberry. It took longer than I'd care to admit for me to figure it out. I used to be able to squat 500 lbs. - in the bucket - but I couldn't pull the hover move to save my ass (get it?).

Thank God You're a Man

What goes through your mind when someone says, "Let's go for a drink?" Click on the image to view in whole. These are from some beer ad campaign. Goldstar, apparently Israeli. Enjoy! The flow chart, not the beer. Whothefuck wants to drink Israeli beer? It's probably got white phosphorous in it.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

This is Rickey, calling on behalf of Rickey

This is a little late by blogging standards, but I was celebrating Rickey Henderson's, a Bokolis favorite, election to the Hall of Fame.

The man's stats put him in lofty company...and, sometimes, without company. Note 50% more stolen bases than the number two guy.

If you back out IBB, he'd have the most walks.

Above all, he's also the leader in runs scored, which is the most direct means to the ultimate goal. If you're into the stat-geek category, he's listed as 10th all-time in Runs Created. Now, there are a boatload of methods to compute runs scored, but 7 of the 9 guys ahead of him are slugging royalty and the two that aren't are Ty Cobb and Pete Rose.

Strangely, the same school that devised the Runs Created stat above also purports that it's not worth trying to steal bases unless you're successful 90% of the time. Those stats can't fathom the pressure put on the other team by giving them more reason to worry...the pressure of holding him on, the pressure of repeatedly throwing over, that much more for the manager and catcher to consider when calling the game, the catcher's fear of firing the ball into the outfield, the middle infielders worrying about cheating to cover the bag, the holes the positioning opens, the pitcher's lapse of concentration on the batter.

It looks easy enough on TV that everybody takes all that for granted. None of that mattered to me when I grew up watching him play. I saw someone press the game like I had never seen. Yes, a non-pitcher can dominate a baseball game.

That's how I wanted to play. I loved it when I would piss off the other team by stealing 2nd and 3rd on consecutive pitches. Hey, I was a fast muthafucka when I was a kid. Even as a somewhat burly adult, I could still steal bases. I never had a quick first step, so the Rickey method of studying and reading the pitcher's tells so as to time the jump worked wonders for me.

Of course, as can be gleaned from the title of this post, Rickey was a character on a par with his abilities. Rickey was a bad muthafucka and didn't have a problem telling you as much. In fact, most people who hadn't come of age by 1993 probably remember Rickey more for his babbling and semi-coherent one-liners than for his game. Speaking in the third person is another thing Bokolis picked up from Rickey...and I do it in real life, no bullshit.

He has his own brand of gang signs. There was a day game a few years back, against the Giants in Frisco, where Rickey was in the stands to watch José Reyes, whom Rickey had taken under the wing. Reyes got on and motioned towards Rickey, indicating that he was going to steal second for Rickey. Rickey, in shades, nodded seeming approval, but with that air of, yiuh, but'chew still ain't as good as me, muthafucka. Reyes proceeded to steal second, and double-pointed back toward Rickey as if to dedicate the swipe. Rickey responded by flashing some indiscriminate gang signs...savage.

A well known story is one where, a year later, he was at another Giants game (I'm pretty sure it was also against the Mets because I was wondering where he was) and snagged himself a foul ball. The saps around him started clamoring for Rickey to give the ball to a nearby kid. Rickey, claiming it was his first foul ball, wasn't giving up the ball. People started razzing him, so he offered to autograph a ball for the kid. The kid took the autographed ball and threw it on the field in spite, to which the crowd gave a rousing cheer...bunch of punks. Fuck that kid.

The only story I can personally relate is from one time, in 2000, when I was sitting in the left field stands at Shea Stadium. Despite a strong '99 season, the Mets fans soured on Rickey. For starters, the team returned to the clubhouse after being eliminated from the NLCS to find Rickey playing cards (and, probably, drinking beers) with Bobby Bonilla.

Further, Rickey had a habit of procuring shit contracts for himself, having a strong first year, then attempting to renegotiate, getting pissed when they wouldn't rip up his shit deal, and sulking his way to a pedestrian season. His dealings with the Mets were no different. Pissed that he didn't get a new deal, he played like crap to start 2000, pissing and moaning all the while, until the Mets released him.

He got in a few games before they cut him loose. I was on hand for one, having copped some 3rd row seats (season ticket holders are quick to give up tickets to early season games, mainly because it is, errrr...was colder than a witch's tit in April at Shea). Rickey had done and said a lot of shit to alienate the fans and his play wasn't helping. The fans around me were fucking with him, yelling all sorts of shit out at him. I mean, they wouldn't fuck with visiting players like they were fucking with Rickey. Rickey took it all in stride, flashing his ring finger and yelling back, "Hall of Fame!"

Hall of Fame indeed, Rickey. Savor the flavor.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Rugby for fairies, Divisional playoff, Sunday game 2

Ummm...yeah, right. That went well. The first Eli pick (I'm assuming there will be another one before I finish writing this post) was a big time fuck up. Spotting the Eagles a touchdown throws everything out of the window...there's the second pick, by the way.

That first pick was a product of bad play calling, which was suspect all game. Deep in their own territory and against the wind- after that personal foul call for blocking a dude out of bounds, they marked off from the spot where the punt was fielded, rather than spot of foul or end of the run...those commies at the NFL have so many rules that they can't get their logic straight- they call a naked waggle right. With two defenders closing in, E. Manning fluttered one into coverage. Asante Samuel didn't repeat the favor granted Eli in the Super Bowl.

That was probably the sign that it wasn't happening. But, the Giants recovered and re-took the lead. The Eagles couldn't move the ball...Steve Smith must have been terrible with eggs. I knew for sure that it was over when Carney missed the second FG attempt. So, philthy again gets the best of the Apple.

STEELERS (-6.5) over Chargers - You know how you stop a little muthafucka like Sproles; you don't try to blow him up- you hold him up so your teammates can pound the shit out of him. I told Omar Epps...I mean Tomlin as much in a call earlier. That's how it's going to work out...I think. One of these home teams has to win.

Rugby for fairies, Divisional Playoff, Sunday game 1

Carolina laid an egg. East of Tucson, who would have believed it?

To blame that loss on Delhomme doesn't give full credit to the Cards. The real problem was that the Panthers couldn't stick the one guy they had to stick. Warner and Fitzgerald carved up the Panthers' repeatedly blown coverage. The birds took the game to the Panthers. The Panthers, always on the back foot, had no answer. Down 14 - 7 and sensing his team was already in trouble, he summoned his inner Brett Favre. This game was over when Delhomme threw that pick. The rest of it was a train wreck.

I write off that one...I wouldn't have gone near that game. After splitting yesterday, it leaves us 3 - 3, same as flipping a coin.

GIANTS (-4) over Eagles - People are putting a lot of stock in the Eagles' earlier victory at the Meadowlands. At this point, that means as much as the Titans' regular season victory over the Ravens, the Panthers' regular season victory over the Cardinals and the Steelers' regular season victory over the Chargers.

The Giants have to worry that, lacking the difference-maker that Plaxico has been against the Eagles, the Eagles will stack the box to dare E. Manning to beat them through the air. The perception is that this is a suspect receiving corps and, without someone who can make plays, much less someone who can bail out E. Manning when he throws up a chicken, he can once again be rattled.

Further, in the past, we could always count on both McNabb and Reid to blow the game. Now that Reid seems to have lit a fire under McNabb's ass by benching him, we can only count on Reid to do the honors. That's still enough.

It's also thought that the home-field advantage is neutralized by playing another northeast-based team. I disagree there. The Giants have lost three playoff games in Giants Stadium. None of those teams- L.A. Rams (SoCal), Vikings (dome), Panthers (53 degrees in Charlotte at game time last night- play(ed) in their home games in the cold. I've seen the Giants dominate the 'skins, Bears and Eagles (not to mention the rapes of the Niners and Vikings).

With that in mind, I don't think the Eagles will shut down the Giants' running game suffient to tee off on E. Manning. I see the Giants winning this by 7 - 10 points.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Rugby for fairies, Divisional playoff, Saturday Game 2

This is a case where the puncher won. I suppose you can say the Ravens stole that game, if you count monopolizing all the big plays as stealing. Even though Flacco went up top about 8 times, I thought the Ravens, when not under duress, were a little conservative on offense. It's kind of like a poker player that either folds (pre-flop) or goes all in.

Of course, it doesn't work as well in poker because you don't get to hit people...and therein lies the difference between the two teams. As I always say, this game is 90% hitting. The Titans are plenty tough, but the Ravens are on another level, mentally as well as physically. It's as if they think they only exist to hit.

So, anyway, if you weren't fascinated by the hitting, it might not have been your type of game. Moving on...

PANTHERS (-9.5) over Cardinals - It's a lukewarm pick, to say the least. This is a lot of wood to lay, begging for a backdoor cover. It looks like weather will not be a factor. There shouldn't be much rain and it is a balmy evening. Nevertheless, Boldin is out and I doubt the Cardinals will jump out to a two touchdown lead this time around, especially if they resort to pounding the run. Even with a late score, I can't see the Cardinals putting up more than 17 tonight. It's really a matter of the Panthers' number.

Rugby for fairies, Divisional Playoff, Saturday Game 1

I'm waiting on the weather for the night game.

I dug through the playoff results since 1978. I didn't get the spreads for these games, so I'm working off straight up results. I've determined that the only results that really apply are those from 2002 onward.

There is a marked contrast, for both conferences, in the results pre- and post-2002, when the NFL added a division to each conference. The results were more extreme in the NFC. In the 3-wildcard era (1990-2001), the home team was 22 - 2 in the divisional round, with the vast majority being drubbings.

Since 2002, the balance has swung back toward the road teams. In the AFC, the home team is 7 - 5, but only four wins were by more than 3 points...

Hold on! The NFL Today is interviewing "Pacman" Jones. Who cares WTF he said. CBS dropped the teaser lead-in, like this was going to be some 60 Minutes-type shit. He starts babbling, like the ignorant muthafucka that he is, when some other voice is heard, after which the camera expertly zooms out so that his lawyer is seen talking. As soon as I saw the lawyer, I'm thinking "Kleinfeld is my brother!"

As I was saying, the scales have tipped toward the road teams. So...

Ravens (+3) over TITANS - The Ravens have a stellar road playoff record. I tried to convince myself that I was selling the Titans short. I don't see this as a favorable matchup for Kerry Collins. RayRay gon' give him flashbacks of XXXV and the fans flashbacks of mugging Eddie George.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

more Rugby for fairies

2 - 2 after the weekend. I'd be ahead of the game, only owing the bookies the vigs instead of my ass. I've always done better during the Divisional round...probably because I can no longer bet on the three saps that buried me.

I didn't watch the Ravens maul the Fish, but it went to plan. The bandwagon for a repeat of 2000 Purple Reign is now boarding. Now, they're nowhere near that good. That team would have never gotten steamrolled like they did against the Giants in Week 11. That team could have played defense for 60 minutes and still won. But RayRay still gon' fuck somebody up.

I watched 2 1/2 quarters of the Eagles. One of the dudes in the room kept bitching for the Eagles to run the screen to Westbrook. I explained to him that they have to set it up; you can't just run a screen wheneverthefuck you want. Of course, I was gone by the time they actually ran it, so I can imagine the dude was screaming "I told you to run the screen to Westbrook!" at the TV when they scored on it. The bandwagon for the-Eagles-are-this-year's-Giants is now boarding. Yeah, I'm not too happy we have to play these muthafuckas. There's time to get into that.

So, we move to the Divisional round. As indifferent as I've become to the sport, for my money, it's the best weekend of the season. A long time ago, some dude figured out- now, were going back 15 years, like, as of 1993- (aside - I used to have this, like, magic book n'shit, that a mailman buddy of mine pulled out of...hold on, let me stop there- I don't know the statute of limitations on that one and that shit's federal...anyway, I was like that coach in The Waterboy that stole the playbook) that the teams that had the bye were about 71% ATS in the Divisional round. I'd sure like to know what those numbers are today. I'd also like to know what the breakout is by home team and away team...in other words, the Divisional record of the team that won at home the previous week and the Divisional record of the team that won on the road.

My guess would be that the teams playing their second consecutive road game fare better. In this case, it would mean that the Ravens and Eagles have a better chance than the Cardinals and Chargers. Now all we need is for someone to do it. Hey, if I had that kind of time, I'd post more often.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Rugby for fairies, wildcard Sunday

0 - 2. Heading towards my typical 1 - 3 wildcard round. That's why I retired from this shit a long time ago.

Ya' think these officials called enough penalties?!

LDT is a whore, riding the bike like he's Mary Poppins. It's the Playoffs; take some horse steroids and get out there, punk. It's not like they needed him. That little fuck ran buckwild and the Colts had no answer.

It appears that P. Manning is "talent does what it can." The Colts were lucky to be in this. They lucked out twice on fumbles: the one on the kick return- that f'n guy returned two kicks 40 yards sideways towards the left...was there a power pack on that side of the field- right before the half was a fumble, and they were on the right side of Sproles' fumble into the end zone.

I don't know WTF the Colts were thinking, emptying the backfield on 3rd and short with 2:3x left. Granted, we all knew they wouldn't run the ball in that situation (they should have passed on 2nd and 4, while the bolts were still geared up for the run). But, at least give them something to consider. Look at how the Cards won the early game; two Falcons LBs jumped the back...on 3rd and long. The bolts LB had nothing to do except jump P. Manning.

Something that was left unresolved is that final punt that left the Colts buried on the one. The player that downed the punt fish-tailed and knocked over the pylon, seemingly before he landed out of bounds. I wanted a ruling on that (I mean, those fuckers called everything else), but this was never addressed by the broadcast.

With my credibility pretty much shot, it's on to new adventures. I have shit to do today, so we'll bang this out early.

Ravens (+3) over DOLPHINS - It seems logical, as the Ravens already dumped on Miami this year. Of course, the rookie QB lost yesterday and Chad Pennington is anything but. I don't think Chad and his lame arm match up well with the Ravens' D. I hope Ray Ray, Ed Reed and crew didn't visit the ol' stamping grounds this weekend.

Eagles (-3) over VIKINGS - I've taken all four road teams...hmmm. The Vikings ain't winnin' shit with Tavaris Jackson as QB, fuggedaboudet. Their fans must know that, that's why there are still tickets available on the morning of the game. Anyway, I hope I'm wrong on this one. I'd much prefer the Cards in the Meadowlands to the Eagles.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Rugby for fairies, wildcard Saturday, Game 2

0 - 1. Yeah, that first game went well for Bokolis, didn't it? WTF, the Cards didn't beat a good team all year.

Atlanta didn't fire. They couldn't tackle, they didn't rush the passer, never did anything when it mattered. They gave up 3 TDs on big plays. They didn't hold momentum after taking the lead into the locker room. In the second half, they only moved the ball in what could be considered garbage time. They couldn't even give us a sweat; not even when the Cards did them a favor by running a reverse with a little over two minutes remaining, giving the Falcons a 3rd and 16 to defend. Both linebackers jumped the dump off and Warner, full credit to him tonight, found the wide open tight end...game time. They probably would've gotten their asses whupped worse if Boldin didn't tweak the hammy.

Colts (PK) over CHARGERS - I know all the bullshit about the bolts having P. Manning and the Colts' number. I'm sure the Chargers will be game...well, we'll see if LDT- that muthafucka will never be referred to as "LT" in this space...there is only one LT- has another bitch playoff moment. Between that uncertaintly and P. Manning riding in on a 9-game winning streak (the Colts should really vote Sage Rosenfels a full playoff share), I have to take the Colts

Are you ready for some...rugby for fairies?!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, New Year, whateverthefuck else.

What's more fun than making bullshit-ass predictions? So, here we go with the wild card weekend, with this one in right before kickoff.

Falcons (+1) over CARDINALS - I don't think I've seen the Falcons play. But, I know they can run the ball better. They won't need to ask too much of their rookie QB. The Cards, on cruise control for a month, will ask everything out of Kurt Warner (love Kurt Warner) and their wideouts. I think that means that Warner will eventually cough up the football.