Friday, February 26, 2016

Oh, the (fat) shame...

Not that Bokolis anticipates such things, but they're apparently pumping out the SI swimsuit issue and, on the cover is some bird called Ashley Graham.  Out in the world where everything demands a reaction, it's caused a bit of a fuss because she's...a...bit...larger than what's been seen on previous swimsuit issues.  To take the middle ground here, she's chubby.

Just as Bokolis isn't trying to front that viewing the cover damaged my retina, I don't want to hear anyone tell me what I'm supposed to think of this broad.  What I think of her form isn't as important as that I don't want to think of it.  As such, I won't be going anywhere near that swimsuit issue.

Of course, when some of us dare to express our view that we ain't tryna see no thick birds in no swimsuit issue, the anti-bully set comes at us to rub our noses in its rubber fly swatters.

This pic is copyright SI or, some shit like that, or the corporate monolith that owns it, I think.  Please don't hurt me.

Bokolis presumes the name of the magazine is Specs Illuminated.  The obvious pig-headed argument is hey, SI isn't supposed to be about fat bitches; it's sports, can't tell me this fat bitch is healthy.  Back in the day, when the subscriber base was like 99% men who'd give their right nut to smash out the ugliest broad in a typical swimsuit issue, we could have our fluff- and, fluff is all it ever was- as we wanted it.

Those days are gone.  The reality is, SI is going to put out whatever it feels like putting out, and its key consideration is whether it sells.  If SI thinks Ashley Graham sells, well, there you go.  And, if in fact Ashley Graham does sell, prepare for more of the same.

Here's the deal- some random bird of exactly the same shape, even if she's walking down the street, shaking her shit like she's the hottest thing we've seen all day, does not deserve to hear, for example, that she is a fat (insert your favorite bovid here).  But, if you trade, at least in part, on your looks, then  critique, even scathing critique, of your looks, even to the point of trolling, is fair play.

This is not to begrudge Ashley Graham being on the cover...hey, good for her.  Ashley Graham should be thanking her lucky stars that she can walk around at, what, 175, and still earn.  The trolling likely won't be coming from Bokolis- the various puns and digs notwithstanding- but, it's coming.

In the interest of disclosure- because Bokolis thinks this demands it- I'm not trying to say that, at 1:48 AM, well liquored-up in a strange town...hey, they haven't all been Playboy bunnies.  But, there haven't been any Lena Dunhams, either.  It may be back-handed for I can see how someone could possibly find her attractive, but that's all I'm conceding.

That ain't the issue here.  This is about what Bokolis wants to look at when I want to look.  I want to look at top shelf (resist urge to insert this bitch breaks the shelf joke here).  She isn't it.  You can see 1000 chubby birds a day in New York, each walking around like they got the goods.  You can ignore them, but it's not like you can swipe to the left and be done with Ashley Graham.  She wasn't given some charity spot to be buried between ads for middle-aged-people drugs.  She has the cover- judgements are going to be made.  She's a big girl; she can take it.  The rest trying to make a cause out of this can eat the dick cookie.

Monday, February 8, 2016

Worst super bowl ever

Bokolis has seen 35 of these things- I discount the 34th and 36th editions, as I was traveling and didn't tune in until well into the 4th quarter of each- and I have to say that the alleged "golden" edition- 50th, Golden State, golden confetti angels, etc.- was the worst Super Bowl I've ever seen.

First off, this is a spectacle and a pageant and a circus, hardly the atmosphere befitting a championship match.  To stay in that mindset and to preserve what remains of my sanity, Bokolis avoids the sideshow stuff.  I spend the anthem re-filling my glass* and key in after the coin toss.  During the commercials- they should be paying me to watch the commercials- I avert my eyes, talk to someone who is similarly inclined, or go for a tinkle/walk.  I certainly don't watch the halftime entertainment and I'm not into Beyonce- I didn't like her when she was hot- so I couldn't tell you shit about her alleged cop trolling.

* - While skipping the anthem may inspire howls of being unpatriotic, Bokolis contends that, between ladyboy gaga in a hillary pantsuit and the fact that you can gamble on its length, that spectacle is anything but patriotic. The only time the pre-game anthem is even shown on television is when they have something- or someone- to sell.  In fact, God Bless America gets far more play...I won't explain what they're trying to sell.  Anyone who considers this whoring out of the anthem as patriotic- feel free- has no space to run around challenging others' patriotism, as it would be tantamount to descendants of slaveowners running around waving racist paintbrushes.

Judging from the crowd noise, it's like a preseason game; judging from Eli...well, Eli had this look like it was his wife who was getting the GH shipments, so forget him.  You can say that it's always been that way, but it's now well past recognizable, or it might just be that it only dawned on Bokolis for good this year.

The Broncos offense didn't score a touchdown of its own making.  The Panthers made more than enough mistakes on offense and special teams to double down the Broncos defensive pressure.  This must have been what Super Bowl IX was like.

The murky definition of a "catch" jumped up and bit them in the ass again, as a dubious replay ruling provided the setting for the subsequent defensive touchdown.  While this fuck-up will fall victim to the control the message spin and didn't depart from the theme of the game, it certainly changed the tone and, ultimately, ruined the Super Bowl.

The soulless referee and a couple of crappy defensive holding calls on the Panthers didn't help, but that may just be the bitterness talking.  Regardless, there were several bullshit personal foul/unsportsmanlike conduct penalties called on both sides.  If the way the league goes about things weren't so reactive and ball-less, the referees just might be equipped to toss Aqib Talib for the blatant and deliberate grab of the facemask on Corey Brown.  That Talib was so glib about his je m'en fous postgame says much about a lot, most of all about what the players think of the repercussions of cynical/dirty play.

It adds up to quite a crappy way to end a season.  Bokolis is disgusted...and I don't invest all that much into the season these days.

The biggest stain on this was the replay ruling that did not give Cotchery the reception, even though it is apparent that the ball never hit the ground.  I'm sure that the league ministry of propaganda will say that, even though we didn't see this, the ball hit the ground as Cotchery does and, even though he had his hand under the ball and maintained control upon impact, as he was rolling over, the Broncos tackler's helmet hits the ball, causing it to slip around until Cotchery came to a stop, this means that he did not maintain the necessary control.

Cam Newton is not going to like his performance, but he didn't play like shit.  His teammates on offense didn't fire, notably his receivers.  Now, to rag on them...

The part of Reggie Wayne (see edition 44) was played in this super bowl by Jerricho Cotchery, who, in addition to not getting the call on the replay, dropped two passes (one of which would've set them up goal to go, but that drive resulted in a missed FG) and got blown off his feet by a (quite smaller) cornerback going high on him when he needed to get to the marker.  Bokolis isn't saying she should have had the first down- he was less than even money- but he should not have been rocked by a DB the way he was.  All that shit adds up, and his shit adds up to the most.

Ted Ginn, apparently was saving himself for a post-game bondage party, was going out of his way to avoid being hit.  His most disappointing moment was when he seemingly missed a gear shift when he caught the ball on that crossing route.  With his speed, which is all he's got, it is inexcusable that he didn't get the angle on a safety and take that to the house.  It looked like he didn't turn it on and made a break for the sideline instead...cunt.

To sort out the predictions, Bokolis hit three out of the four quarter bets, but lost on the over.  These effectively cancel out, as was their intention, so I will ignore them in the tally.  Losing the game leaves the postseason record at 7-4-1.  While it's another success, I've dropped two bowls in a's totally going to fuck me up while I'm sitting on the beach.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

What could've been? Rugby for fairies...50 bowl

In the hopes of being entertained and reading something worth reading, sometimes, Bokolis is in the mood to read what someone else thinks.  So, puttering around the internet, trying to motivate myself to hack up a prediction post, I scratched my arm against Yahoo's fence and gave some banana from Uproxx a shot to tell me about the best teams to not win a Super Bowl.

Is this list incomplete?  Was it supposed to be a list of best teams never to make a Super Bowl?  Bokolis doesn't see 2007 Patriots?  This must have been mailed in, so I'll fix

While the 1990*, 2007** and 2011*** Giants took out some of the all-time paper champions, Bokolis is sure the Giants were quite happy to have someone else take care of two potential stumbling blocks to super bowl victories.

*     - 49ers and Bills
**   - Patriots
*** - Packers

The 2011 Saints were at least as good as the 2007 Cowboys.  Much to Giants good fortune, the Saints were stuck playing on the slop in Frisco- that field at Candlestick could go a month without water and still not be firm- because the 49ers had the tiebreaker.  Unlike the 2007 Cowboys, the Giants had no designs on going to the Superdome and winning.  Nobody was beating the Saints in the dome that season.

As for the the 1986 Bears, the Bears had whitewashed the Giants in the previous year's playoffs.  To boot, their defensive stats were right there in '86 with the '85 team.  It was going to be a problem.  But, between being better than the previous year, being home and no McMahon, the Giants had reason to be a lot more confident of victory.

The article neglects that, while McMahon was on a super bowl hangover for the first half of the year, the injury that put him out was effectively an assault by Charles Martin, was ejected and suspended for two games for something that would likely get him a year in today's game.

Certainly, Schroeder made some atypical- for him- plays in the '86 divisional round.  But, on that day, the Bears defense just didn't have the mojo working.  The Skins shoved them around.

Towards the present day, Bokolis split the conference championships and is now 7-3-1 for the playoffs.  This is six years running that I've sent y'all to the window.  This year, we'd have some snakeskin boots to go with the gators from last year.  But, there is no resting on laurels here.

Panthers (-5) over Broncos - This line has wobbled around.  It opened at 4, jumped to 5.5, reached 6, and is now inching back downwards.  As Bokolis was typing it was 5 in Las Vegas and 4.5 offshore.  The offshore lines have typically moved in advance of the Las Vegas line.  Bokolis jumped on 4 at the start and would think that the play is to buy it down to 4 if possible.

As for the game, hey, Carolina has shown itself to be the best team all season.  They have not wobbled in the playoffs and their only loss was a throwaway game.  This spared them from all the 19-0 bullshit and they've had a rather quiet two weeks in the lead-up.  The offense will do plenty, and the opportunistic defense will do the job here on P. Manning that the Patriots would not.

In fact, I'm going to both hedge and have a little fun here.  Since the individual quarters all have a point spread of Panthers -0.5, the plays are, Panthers in the first and second quarters, Broncos in the third and fourth quarters.  The combined amounts equals the amount on the game, working out to laying -115.

The next move is to make half a play on the over (43.5).  Why half?  With the rest of the powder, if Carolina is leading by 5-17 points after the third quarter, they play would be to look to come in on Denver on a 4th quarter prop so as to hedge the game result.  If it comes into play, while everybody's watching commercials, Bokolis will try to update accordingly.