Monday, February 4, 2013

With A Flick of the Switch

Because I think everything on television is as bullshit as professional wrestling, they'll never get Bokolis to believe that some muthafucka at CBS didn't look at that 28-6 score and take matters into his Redstone's hands. That, after years and years of drubbings, we've had 10 consecutive compelling games (Colts-Bears not so much), with the last whitewashing now clouded by the coach possibly sandbagging the game, raises a people's eyebrow towards more engineered results.

The only time Bokolis really got excited during the game was when the Ravens recovered the fumble in the second quarter. I knew that to be the turning point. Their second TD was treated with a mater-of-fact it's just that easy and their third and fourth TDs were met with howling derision of the 49ers. After the Ravens ran back the kick out of the locker room, I was strutting around my living room like when I had the Cowboys back in XXVII.

Bokolis heard buzzing outside my window that Beyoncé turned it down and that's what caused the brown-out. I think it was the machine that pulls the extensions out of her hair that fried the motherboard.

I'll take this time to state that Bokolis has always a real distaste for Beyoncé...and not because she shot me down or some shit like that. To me, her bitches-gotta-get-paid projection, her whole persona, really, and her singing are overdone/fake.

I don't know much about all that Illuminati-stunt nonsense, but her ethered and murdered-on-his-own-shit husband has been rumored for years as being down. So, for all y'all know, she was fucking with y'all to wind y'all up.

As for her perceived hotness, Artie Lange's assessment- from the neck up she looks like Naomi Campbell; from the neck down she looks like Earl Campbell- is in line with Bokolis' view.

In any event, Bokolis wouldn't know if she turned it down because I wasn't paying attention until the other two- the valet and the other one- showed up. My television- or my imagination- allowed me to see not only the camel toe on the valet, but the razor bumps underneath the cat suit. Most of all, I was appreciating the other one's body.  Bokolis didn't hear any singing. But, I'll admit that I view artistic performance as tantamount to circus performance.

(deep breath and exhale)

Let's get off that bullshit.

Yes, the game- during the delay, I was already on, planning a celebration. But, my pet cynic knew there was some shit about to go down. Sure enough, after the Ravens had gone 9+ quarters of football, allowing only 2 offensive TDs, the 49ers sure caught up in a hurry, scoring TDs on consecutive drives. That's just what production wanted; the brown-out attracted the extra piles of eyes, and the comeback kept them.

As they couldn't stop telling you, Flacco is going to get pai-yay-yay-yay-eed. 11-0 TD-Int in the playoffs gets you Eli immunity; you can't ever fuck with 11-0. As for Kaepernick, he has Bokolis' respect as the dip to my disdain. Now let me see you do the same thing twice.

In whingeing about the non-call in the endzone on 4th down, Harbaugh-A (Jim) justified Bokolis' contempt. I'm a very much the cookie-crumbles-type, so when they didn't call holding on the 49ers on 4th down vs Atlanta, that's just how it goes (hitting the middle because of it kind of helped). This time, when the 49ers were on the womp side of the call, instead of being gracious, Harbaugh-A showed himself to be the cunt that he is, blowing off steam at the post-mortem.

He also complained about holding- a moot point- on the safety. For the Ravens to take a safety there was a no-brainer. Not only do you get to kick from 20 yards further upfield, but, by burning clock, you consign the opponent to have to run back the kick (unless you commit a penalty during the free-kick play). That is how Bokolis played it out in my head, replete with blatant holding. Since holding in the endzone results in a safety- which is the designed result of the play- you can hold all you want; don't break the hold until Hebner's 4-count you hear a whistle.

I might have used a field player instead of the punter. But, using the punter proved to be the correct play because the element of surprise- and blatant holding- allowed the Ravens to burn eight of the 12 seconds. If, say, Ray Rice was back there, the 49ers would've been tipped off and rushed 11. They plausibly could have forced the ball carrier out of bounds quickly enough to allow time for a return and one play from scrimmage.

Didn't happen though, leaving Harbaugh-A to whinge about holding without truly understanding what the holding accomplished. He probably didn't get the joke until Harbaugh-B explained the punch-line to him.

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