Beer Goggles Explained

The good folks at the University of Manchester have devised a "beer goggle" formula (see below). Beer goggles, for the uninitiated, are what spurs us to nail pigs. Granted, this was published by BBC News over two years ago, but, given our posting frequency, we were never going to break this story.

This shit may look daunting, BUT LEARN THIS MOTHERFUCKER BY HEART. This is much more useful than the quadratic formula. Dare I say, this is even more important than WACC.

An = number of units of alcohol consumed
S = smokiness of the room (graded from 0-10, where 0 clear air; 10 extremely smoky)
L = luminance of 'person of interest' (candelas per square metre; typically 1 pitch black; 150 as seen in normal room lighting)
Vo = Snellen visual acuity (6/6 normal; 6/12 just meets driving standard)
d = distance from 'person of interest' (metres; 0.5 to 3 metres)

Non-appealing people become suddenly attractive between 51 and 100. At more than 100, someone not considered attractive looks like a super model.

So, assuming that, sober, the 'person of interest' is nowhere near a 50, here's a little scenario:
An =5 drinks
S =2 in NYC bars. While there's no smoking, the air can't be considered "clear."
L =36 assume, for easier calculation
Vo =6/8, how sharp can your vision really be in a dimly lit room while tipsy?
d =3m, because if you're looking out further than a 10 foot radius, you're probably in the wrong joint.

Under these conditions, the beer goggle score is 66.66, solidly in bang-a-fat-chic territory. Since this is written from a guy's perspective, the idea is for us to score with a hottie, not have some pig bag us. Towards that end, if we put the average hottie on 5 drinks, with the time-release effect of alcohol, there's a good chance she will be non-functional before you get in position.

So, let's massage the scenario. If we assume 4 drinks for women, the score drops to 42.66, which, according to the logic, isn't getting it done...better find some other way to get that number over 50. We don't have much of a window, so we need to make the numbers dance.

Any worthwhile experiment has to be at least single blind, meaning the subjects don't know whether they are getting the stuff or the placebo. In this case, the placebo would be to give a girl 1-oz. shots instead of 1.5-oz. shots. Typically, they won't know the difference, but the thrill will be just the same because they'll feel emboldened by their perceived increased tolerance. Less alcohol (2.5 oz. over 5 shots) allows for an extra shot, but brings an additional benefit. The window between being drunk enough to get down and drunk enough to fall down is larger. Thrilled, emboldened and a larger window just might be enough to get in that ass.