Saturday, April 17, 2010

Must End The Season

or, My Entire Team Sucks.

So, last night, I'm at the fun job. The Yankees game gets rained out, so we switched over to the Mets-Cards. Wonder of wonders, they're up 1-0 into the 7th, with Oliver Perez pitching his guts (if he had any guts, that is) off. Actually, he looked good, keeping those hitters off balance.

The jagoff that led off the B7 hits one in the hole to Reyes, who, cunt that he is, eases over to backhand, doesn't bother to set, flings off his back leg, tailing the ball over and pulling the 1B off the bag...scored a hit, but would get Reyes benched on Bokolis' team. Next guy bunts the runner over, after which Jerry Manuel pulls Perez after 97 pitches. I'm like WTF?!, to which multiple co-workers respond that it's good for Perez because he now will not get a loss after pitching so well. I'm like WTF?! again. The team is left with 8 outs to get...WTF did he accomplish that he's in the dugout hugging everyone who'll let him cop a feel?

Of course, this is Manuel's call, so I don't want to be harsh on Perez. He brings in Nieve, who proceeds to nick the next batter and walk Holliday. Out comes Manuel to make another change, bringing in a lefty to pitch to Felipe Lopez. Bokolis promptly breaks out into a mediocre Jerry Manuel impression, explaining to the press at the post-game conference that he felt turning Lopez to his power side was the correct move in this situation. It was meant to be a first-guess, but the lads got a kick out of it.

Work took me away from the TV. A few minutes later, I look up to see a 1-4 score. I call out, did somebody hit a grand slam? The whole room, waiting for me to refocus, breaks out into laughter.

I think I've explained that the Mets ruined Reyes a few years back, when Willie Randolph yelled at him for dogging it during a game out in LA. He must have went and pissed and moaned to someone over Willie's head. And, it worked, for Reyes anyway. They must have given him his way and it has turned him into a spoiled little cunt. As presently constituted, he is utterly worthless. The only way to fix him is to send in the Iron Sheik to make him humble (1:08).

Speaking of humbling people, despite the layered ineptitude, Bokolis is sure that I could turn around the franchise were I made the GM. Of course, it goes beyond talent evaluation and player procurement, which is the easy part. I've previously explained that all of this stems from Wilpon. The real problem in that organization, Bokolis is told, is the owner's son, Jeff Wilpon. I mean...your son...really? WhentheFUCK does that ever work? This is the guy who pulled rank to bring in Kaz 'torn asshole" Matsui. That alone should have gotten him disowned, never mind banned. Of course, if Wilpon knew how to handle his business, this wouldn't be posted.

Anyway, here's what Bokolis would do on his first day on the job. I'd be addressing the staff- introductory stuff and all- giving them an overview of the plan. Jeff Wilpon, unable to keep his mouth shut, would interrupt. I'd say, "Excellent, Jeff, but I'll finish." After it all ends, I'd call Jeff into my office. As soon as the door shut, I'd unleash a venomous open hand that would surely be heard through the door. While Jeff was on a knee, which the slap forced him to take, "Jeff, it's ok. Nobody saw it. You can go back out there like we're in here drinking whiskey. But, the next time you try to tell me how to run the team, I'm going to fuck you in front of everybody. For that matter, don't even show up here unless you've asked permission. Now, getthefuck out."

I'd make sure the contract language was structured accordingly and the check was deopsited. Thinking about it some more, I'd probably have Sheik do it..I don't think I could get it up for Jeff.

No comments: