Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

Why would a guy that calls American football "rugby for fairies" kick it about tennis? As an old night owl, live sports in the wee hours is the shit like the McDonald's that used to be on Fulton, back in the day. Because it gave me something to do, over the years, I've tuned in to the Aussie Open.

Federer is- allegedly- the best player of all-time. As I type, he's in the final, attempting to tie Sampras for most majors. Let's say that he's at least 50-50 to eventually overtake Sampras. The problem with calling Federer the best ever is that his finals opponent, Nadal, consistently brings out the bitch in him.

Nobody ever brought out the bitch in Sampras. Even on clay, where playing must have felt as futile as trying to run on ice, it was like, aren't you supposed to used this stuff to make pottery or some shit. Of course, the clay is in France. The French tried their hardest to bring out the bitch in Sampras. They would have succeeded when they beat him in the Davis Cup, but, as they proved by the ensuing Yannick Noah-led conga line (or whateverthefuck it was), in any situation, the frogs are always the cunts.

Personally, I like Federer to Nadal. I'm sure it's been said that Nadal looks like Vega from Street Fighter. But, he reminds me of Poof-naldo...I just can't be down with that.

Anyway, Nadal's advantage over everybody else is the intense pressure he puts on his opponents. I mean, I can't imagine that tennis players are the toughest bunch of cats. Nadal's physical prowess is the exception. For the most part, everybody buckles. Federer, pimp of the year for about the last six, is unfazed and well-equipped to withstand Nadal. Federer has exposed that Nadal is just a guy who can run down shots, not a tennis player. The tennis player is supposed to win that fight, but imtimidation invariably creeps into the mindset.

And, Federer has got to get himself a hotter bird. I mean, she's cute, in a way that slightly overweight birds can be. But, c'mon!

All that said, I still think Federer will win, if only because Nadal can't have a full tank.

Let's cut the shit; the focus is more on the women, and not just because almost all the birds have smokin' hot bodies. The game is more to people's speed. But, aside from commenting on the birds' bodies, there isn't much to say. That's because, naturally, the top player doesn't have said smokin' hot body. She is all udders and rump. Because she can't be bothered to fully devote herself to her profession, half the time, she can't get in a serve or hit the ball straight. She takes off points, even games. But, Williams Brother Serena has the pimp hand strong. When it's winning time, she's smacked up more Russian birds than an Albanian mobster. All the while, the mom is mackin' in the players' box, obviously the head pimp in charge. Those are three ugly broads, BTW...the mother and the other Williams Brother.

Would you hire this man? Well, you did...TWICE.

He leaves as largely the same idiot he arrived, relieved to be back in Texas and seemingly oblivious to having run the nation into the ground. I took some measure of satisfaction from seeing Cheney leave in a wheelchair. Fitting and of not much consequence, if you ask me, as he would have had no one to whom he could wave. The only people loyal to Cheney operate in back rooms and cannot be exposed to daylight.

Most of this was e-mailed to me about half a year ago. I was saving it for today. I didn't edit for grammar. Though I didn't inject any Bushisms, any mistakes can be attributed to the spirit of Dubya. I added the most of the stuff about his failed oil dealings and sweetheart deals and pulled the last three bits from his "accomplishments" as President from here. I knew he was a soulless idiot 100 months ago, and I sure didn't "misunderestimate" him.

I will be available in January 2009, am willing to relocate.


RESUME

GEORGE WALKER BUSH

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been 'lost' and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I was a "cheerleader." I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was still accepted to grad school.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock, but I was bailed out and made chairman of another company.

When this company also failed, I was given a seat on the board at Harken Energy and about $500k in stock because of my perceived politiocal connections.

While serving as a director at Harken Energy, I sold stock in the company the day before the company announced $56 million losses. I was cleared of wrongdoing by SEC chairman Richard Breeden, a friend of the family who was nominated by my father.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. I paid for some debt using the profits gained from the abovementioned sale of Harken stock. I then sold the Texas Rangers in a sweetheart deal, netting almost $14 million profit from a $600k investment.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected Governor of Texas .

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set t he record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. History to enter office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. History.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. Stock market. To be fair, in terms of largest percentage drop (just under 25%), I am second to Hoover.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. History. My 'poorest millionaire,' Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.

I am the all-time U.S and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. History and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. History.

I changed the U.S. Policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. History.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States Government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. History.

I am the first President in U.S. History to have the United Nations remove the U.S. From the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U. S. From the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. 'prisoners of war' detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear 'Tactical Bunker Buster,' a WMD.

I have failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

Unemployment is pressing remorselessly higher.

Industrial production is contracting at the wickedest rate in 35 years, the retail business is in the dumps almost across the board.

I leave office with the nation mired in the worst recession since the Great Depression; its end is by no means in sight.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.

Rugby for fairies, conference championships

The Steelers rounded out the last four by doing what I expect of a home team during the playoffs. They set their mark. The had a large stretch where they just pounded the shit out of the Chargers. In Bokolis' mind, the Steelers are the clear favorites to win the Bowl.

On that note, last week's split (I did split, right?) leaves me at 4-4 for the post-season. Again, we'd only be into the book for the vigs. Onward!

CARDINALS (+4) over Eagles - The Eagles trounced the Cardinals in far different circumstances. Seemingly, both of them have an easier game this week. Kurt Warner has won both his NFC championships- both at home- while McNabb and Reid are 1 - 3, one of which was to Warner.

I think the Eagles will run out of steam in the desert. Sure, they defeated the Giants without getting anything from a banged-up Westbrook. But, their defense will have a lot more to do in this game. Brian Dawkins, tough as they come, didn't look so tough trying to tackle Brandon Jacobs. I don't think he'll be effective against Boldin...if he can even get close enough to hit him. They won't have the luxury of the elements making for an inept QB. They won't have the luxury of knowing that the opposing QB can't beat them. If Warner gets the chances Eli had early in that game he will take those chances. If the Giants could get open, the Cardinals, who know how to take the game to the defense, surely will. Getting 4 points is gravy.

STEELERS (-6) over Ravens - It's uncomfortable to lay six against the Ravens, especially after winning twice with them. They don't give up much more that six. But, as with the Eagles, this is a case where the Ravens will run out of steam. While they hit the Titans hard, they didn't exactly dominate. They were on the right side of the key plays and key calls. The puncher can't win every fight, especially when up against another bruiser at less than full strength. The Steelers have the big-play capability that the Dolphins and Titans did not, so I see them making the big plays here, with the Ravens fading in the second half.

Thank God I'm a Man

They left out the part about nuttin' on her blouse, instead of inside. We do think about that.

Thank God You're Still a Man

Here's another one. Genius that I am, I thought the urinal was a Blackberry. It took longer than I'd care to admit for me to figure it out. I used to be able to squat 500 lbs. - in the bucket - but I couldn't pull the hover move to save my ass (get it?).

Thank God You're a Man

What goes through your mind when someone says, "Let's go for a drink?" Click on the image to view in whole. These are from some beer ad campaign. Goldstar, apparently Israeli. Enjoy! The flow chart, not the beer. Whothefuck wants to drink Israeli beer? It's probably got white phosphorous in it.

This is Rickey, calling on behalf of Rickey

This is a little late by blogging standards, but I was celebrating Rickey Henderson's, a Bokolis favorite, election to the Hall of Fame.

The man's stats put him in lofty company...and, sometimes, without company. Note 50% more stolen bases than the number two guy.

If you back out IBB, he'd have the most walks.

Above all, he's also the leader in runs scored, which is the most direct means to the ultimate goal. If you're into the stat-geek category, he's listed as 10th all-time in Runs Created. Now, there are a boatload of methods to compute runs scored, but 7 of the 9 guys ahead of him are slugging royalty and the two that aren't are Ty Cobb and Pete Rose.

Strangely, the same school that devised the Runs Created stat above also purports that it's not worth trying to steal bases unless you're successful 90% of the time. Those stats can't fathom the pressure put on the other team by giving them more reason to worry...the pressure of holding him on, the pressure of repeatedly throwing over, that much more for the manager and catcher to consider when calling the game, the catcher's fear of firing the ball into the outfield, the middle infielders worrying about cheating to cover the bag, the holes the positioning opens, the pitcher's lapse of concentration on the batter.

It looks easy enough on TV that everybody takes all that for granted. None of that mattered to me when I grew up watching him play. I saw someone press the game like I had never seen. Yes, a non-pitcher can dominate a baseball game.

That's how I wanted to play. I loved it when I would piss off the other team by stealing 2nd and 3rd on consecutive pitches. Hey, I was a fast muthafucka when I was a kid. Even as a somewhat burly adult, I could still steal bases. I never had a quick first step, so the Rickey method of studying and reading the pitcher's tells so as to time the jump worked wonders for me.

Of course, as can be gleaned from the title of this post, Rickey was a character on a par with his abilities. Rickey was a bad muthafucka and didn't have a problem telling you as much. In fact, most people who hadn't come of age by 1993 probably remember Rickey more for his babbling and semi-coherent one-liners than for his game. Speaking in the third person is another thing Bokolis picked up from Rickey...and I do it in real life, no bullshit.

He has his own brand of gang signs. There was a day game a few years back, against the Giants in Frisco, where Rickey was in the stands to watch José Reyes, whom Rickey had taken under the wing. Reyes got on and motioned towards Rickey, indicating that he was going to steal second for Rickey. Rickey, in shades, nodded seeming approval, but with that air of, yiuh, but'chew still ain't as good as me, muthafucka. Reyes proceeded to steal second, and double-pointed back toward Rickey as if to dedicate the swipe. Rickey responded by flashing some indiscriminate gang signs...savage.

A well known story is one where, a year later, he was at another Giants game (I'm pretty sure it was also against the Mets because I was wondering where he was) and snagged himself a foul ball. The saps around him started clamoring for Rickey to give the ball to a nearby kid. Rickey, claiming it was his first foul ball, wasn't giving up the ball. People started razzing him, so he offered to autograph a ball for the kid. The kid took the autographed ball and threw it on the field in spite, to which the crowd gave a rousing cheer...bunch of punks. Fuck that kid.

The only story I can personally relate is from one time, in 2000, when I was sitting in the left field stands at Shea Stadium. Despite a strong '99 season, the Mets fans soured on Rickey. For starters, the team returned to the clubhouse after being eliminated from the NLCS to find Rickey playing cards (and, probably, drinking beers) with Bobby Bonilla.

Further, Rickey had a habit of procuring shit contracts for himself, having a strong first year, then attempting to renegotiate, getting pissed when they wouldn't rip up his shit deal, and sulking his way to a pedestrian season. His dealings with the Mets were no different. Pissed that he didn't get a new deal, he played like crap to start 2000, pissing and moaning all the while, until the Mets released him.

He got in a few games before they cut him loose. I was on hand for one, having copped some 3rd row seats (season ticket holders are quick to give up tickets to early season games, mainly because it is, errrr...was colder than a witch's tit in April at Shea). Rickey had done and said a lot of shit to alienate the fans and his play wasn't helping. The fans around me were fucking with him, yelling all sorts of shit out at him. I mean, they wouldn't fuck with visiting players like they were fucking with Rickey. Rickey took it all in stride, flashing his ring finger and yelling back, "Hall of Fame!"

Hall of Fame indeed, Rickey. Savor the flavor.